unforth | Soliciting Advice

Soliciting Advice

I keep telling myself that I should wait a few days, and see how some stuff pans out, but I had an idea that's eating my brain, and it won't leave me be, so I'm gonna go ahead and explain the situation, explain the solution I thought of, and if anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it, cause I don't really know what to do. Except that I know I aughta be waiting on making the decision, if only I could make myself. Heck, at this point I'm not sure I'm not laying it all out as much for me as for any one else...

There are a bunch of different things that are going on right now that are problematic.

1. The visa situation. Technically speaking, as long as I never overstay my visa and don't do anything at all illegal in any other respects, I should be able to leave and reenter Japan as many times as I want. In practice, however, they've been getting increasingly strict in regards to visas, and so if I want to be sure that I'll be able to come back, I need to get a visa of some sort. The only ones that really make sense are: a work visa, which I can't get without a job here and a sponsor; a student visa, which I could get if I enrolled in a serious course of study - the kinds of places that you take classes for 20+ hours a week - which I really, really don't want to do; or a cultural studies visa, which I'd love, but which requires a sponsor, and I've no real way to get a sponsor. Hence, the only kind that seems plausible is a work visa. However, as I explained in my last post, the job picture is VERY bleak right now. With Nova closing, lots of people who need the money more than me and who have more experience that I do, all of whom already have visas, thus sparing potential employers the bother, are on the job market. Unless a position needs an editor instead of a teacher, or unless I'm willing to move outside of Tokyo, my chances for employment really don't look good. All in all, this has me stressed out and unhappy because, simply, I REALLY like it here. I don't WANT to leave. I want to stay! Of course, even if I get a work visa, I'm not really planning to maintain a job here, which makes the whole thing somehow ludicrous.

2. Work situation. My mother's health continues to be poor. She's in a lot of pain, and stress only makes it worse. Over the last few months, in particular, I've noticed a steady decrease in her level of happiness. In short, she's miserable, and she thinks that she has to keep working - and she's probably right, at least at the moment. Unfortunately, with me in Japan, there's nothing I can do to help, and in fact I'm making it work, because the time difference is driving her nuts. Since I'm utterly dependent on this job for my livelihood, it's in my best interest to find a way to improve this situation. Obviously, I can't do anything to decrease the amount of pain she's in, but there ARE ways that I could help with her stress level...but not that many that I can implement from a foreign country.

3. The binding situation. Since I've gotten here, I've hardly done and work with books at all. There are a few reasons for this - I haven't always had the time, I haven't always felt like it, etc. However, all of that aside, there's something I say to others that I know is applicable now myself: no matter what we say we want to do, the things we ACTUALLY do are a much better indication of how we feel. I COULD find the time, if I really wanted to. And yet I DO love doing it, and I do want to pursue it, and so I'm left wondering the simple (or not so simple?) question of why, if I really believe I want to, am I not doing so??

4. The depression situation. I don't use LJ to air my personal emotional issues. Thus, I'm not going to go in to depth on this. However, I've been in a bad spiral the last few weeks; it left me almost paralyzed while I was in Singapore. I'm just...down. Oh, some days I'm perfectly fine, but I've been having a lot of trouble with what counts for me as insomnia - I take forever to fall asleep, I wake up repeatedly, that sort of thing. It's annoying to have to fight through feeling lousy all the time, and even though at almost no point do I think "I wish I could see XX" I'm still pretty positive that it's almost entirely loneliness. It's nothing I can't deal with...but dealing with it drains my energy and leaves me aggravated with myself. Which makes me more depressed. As I said, a bad spiral.

In mid-September, my mother mentioned to me that she's been thinking about the lease for the apartment in NYC. This has come up before, but she seems more serious about it now. In short, the situation is simple. Our apartment is a great, two bedroom/four room apartment in a wonderful, safe, centrally located neighborhood (Manhattan, 86th St.), which, thanks to rent control, costs about $1250 a month. If we could get my name - or my brothers, for that matter - on the lease, then we could keep this apartment even if mom wanted to move, or, god forbid, if something happened to her. However, the building is co-op - they don't lease any more - and they've been trying to get rid of the renters of ages. They're not going to want to do this. And there is no way to do it without me living at home again for a while. We need to talk to a lawyer about it in general, but the fact that mom even brought it up indicates to me that it's important to her.

About the same time, something dawned on me that I hadn't really ever considered. I started working for mom in 2003 and ever since then this job has been a huge boon. At first it helped me pay the bills and do the things I want to do - my first pay check from her was the only thing that enabled me to go to Gencon one year. Recently, of course, she pays me enough that I can live not only comfortably, but with pretty much all the things I want. Fortunate that I don't want all that much, it wouldn't afford huge things, but it easily sustains life at about a level I find pleasing. Thus, always, this job was something I did because it was good money. However, in September, the strangest thing happened: I realized that I like this job. I genuinely do. And I'm pretty good at it. Not a bad combination! Now, I don't LOVE this job, but, well, it pays well, it gives me free time, it enables me to do the things I want, I can travel, I can make my own schedule, I mean, really, what more could I ask for? I'd have to be crazy not to do a job like this. And then toss in that I like it...well...that raises some interesting possibilities.

All of this mucked around in my head while I was away, and I came up with the preliminary idea two weeks ago, while I was away: Maybe when I leave Japan in June or July, I should go and live in New York instead of going to school in Boston. I wouldn't be ditching the book work - there's a place called the Center for the Book Arts where I can go and take classes - and there are loads of libraries and such where I could do some part time work, or even volunteer. Take a few years, work primarily for HEC, all that jazz. I've been thinking about it a lot, but it was so far off and would require little enough preparation that I didn't really need to make any decisions for ages.

This morning, though, I had another idea, and it's what's crawled in to my head and won't leave. It solves all of my problems, and doesn't leave me in limbo for ages. All it means is giving up something that I want in order to take the stress off my mom.

I could not come back to Japan after the holidays. Plain and simple - I'll have gotten to live in another country for four wonderful months, and I won't have to worry about the visa situation. Given the way things at HEC work, it will be well within the realm of the doable to come back some other time when things at work have settled down, some summer or other, and live here for another 3 or 6 months. It solves the binding situation, because I can find out for sure if I really want to be doing that easily - if I sign up for a class and that reinvigorates my interest - or doesn't - I know the answer. It solves the depression situation, hopefully, because I'll be able to keep in closer touch with my friends, be able to actually visit them or be visited by them, and anyway it's got to be easier for me to meet people in NYC than it has in Japan, if only because there won't be a language barrier. The only thing I have to give up is the simple fact that I really like it here and don't want to leave - but of course I was going to have to leave anyway, and nothing will stop me from coming back.

So I've been fighting an internal battle. Most of me thinks I shouldn't jump to decisions, that I should wait until I hear back from more of the job type things, and that I'm clearly being hasty. However, I can admit at least to myself that, well, I usually jump to decisions. That's just kinda how my brain does it. I can't really help but feeling like coming back would be the "adult" thing to do, too. Even if I don't move back home - which, honestly, I can't say would be my first choice, I'd much rather get my own place, I think mom and I would kill each other in under a week if I moved back home.

Heck, I don't even really know what I'm looking for in terms of advice - I think I just am hoping that if people can look over the above and let me know if my arguments hold together...well, if everything looks like it's got internal consistency, if there really is a logic behind this string of thoughts, then I think that kind of makes the decision for me. And still gives me 6+ weeks in Japan.
So, uh, thoughts?

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On the job front, it might not be that bad of an idea to continue working mostly full-time for HEC. Professional book preservation folk tend to be wicked expensive once they've gotten all their degrees and even NLM can only afford to hire one part-time. In the long-term, book preservation could be a part-time, freelance type job, while HEC was a 3/4-full time job. I suspect there are a lot more places that could hire a part-time preservation expert than a full-time one, and if you ever did want to make the switch, the part-time experience would translate well.

Reducing the stress on your mom would also be good, though make sure that living with her is something that would make you happy. I actually got really depressed when I moved back home, but your family situation might be different.

4 months in Japan, while not as cool as a full-year, is pretty awesome. And it has given you some really rich experiences and a good foundation to make another shot at it later, in which it might be easier to line up a job before hand, or something.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear things have been hard. *hugs* And if you moved to NYC, it's only a couple-hour, $20 bus-ticket to/from DC (not that I've been very good about going to NYC to visit my kid sister). And now that I've disclosed my bias, I'll send you a last batch of *hugs* and go.

lol do not worry about your bias - it occurred to me that you'd be one of the folks I'd want to see who'd be closest to me, and I was considering the merits of weekend trips to D.C. You,

ultimabaka,

claireon and

bakanekotoo (who both live in NYC),

xaniquen (who lives in NJ),

njbanjo (who is my dad, and lives in NJ),

mistress_sin and

eviltophat (in Binghamton) ...many of my close friends are in spitting distance (by which, I mean, about 4 hours) of the city. :)

As to the living at home thing, I'll only live at home if a lawyer says we can get my name on the lease. I can afford my own place in NYC if I have to, especially if I'm not trying to save up extra money so I can afford the school in Boston. :)

A conversation job, meanwhile, would be less of a free-lance thing - in my minds eye, this is - than a part time job akin to the one I had at IU. While normally such positions go to students, I can think of 4 preservations labs off the top of my head that are located in NYC that are not affiliated with universities (the New York Botanical Gardens, the Museum of Natural History, the NYPL, and the ...er...crap what's it called? One of the famous rare books libraries, ...the Morgan?...yeah, the J.P. Morgan Library) so presumably I can at least apply for jobs at such places and, failing that, all four will accept volunteers, I'm sure...

Thanks VERY much for the advice, it's good to hear, and it helps quell my fears that I'm talking out of my ass, or making a decision just to avoid doing other difficult stuff like get a visa....

i won't lie, you in NYC would be a happy dance. it would give me a chance to get out of broome county and travel to a city i don't mind visiting. not to mention the canolies(sp?) that could be eaten . . .

i've had to rewrite this response too many times that i'm not going to try coherent sentences anymore. i know how your mom's health tends to dance on the outer fringes of your mind but i didn't know how bad it had gotten. and i've been there. i don't think you and your mom living together for a long period is safe on anyone's health, but at the same time i think it brings her some happiness because you are right there and not in a foreign country. has your mom ever thought about another cat? it could help with the stress and they are excellent forms of entertainment (as we have found with ryoko . . . did i mention we got another cat?) plus when you are sad, they know it and will cuddle. or even a fish or cage animal that would not annoy her?

i'll send you an email because my brain is not focusing right now. *HUGGLES*

I'm still gonna bring you with me to Japan sometime, though. :) But the cannolies (that's how to spell it I think, you were close) - and the calzones will also be fun. There aren't any cannolies or calzones in Japan. And I could come up to Bing and visit you, too, sometimes - I'll probably be leaving my car with

schenker28 is I decide to do this, but it's not that expensive to go up to Broome every once in a while, it's only $60 round trip on the bus, or I can rent a car cause I'll be old enough. Finally. :)

I can suggest a pet to her - I know it helps me, I miss Jonie - but I think that she doesn't want any more responsibilities than she's got, even as light a one as a cat or a fish. Thanks for the idea, though - it's a good one.

And I owe you an e-mail, too, as I said. :)

I think the idea you've come up with makes a lot of sense, and it sounds like it's "clicked" in your mind, which I tend to think counts for a lot. But of course don't make any firm decisions yet: sleep on it for a week, keep hunting a job in Japan, and see if at the end of a week you still are happy with that idea. If the only major downside is less time in Japan, and you can be okay with the notion of just going back there again at some point in the future, then this might not be a bad way to go.

So far, I too have gone with the idea that clicking in my mind counts for a lot, but I've been wondering what it really means, you know? Where does that click come from? I fear I've put too much stock in it. Sigh...

Thanks! :)

The click comes from subconscious bits of your mind you're never going to be able to verbalize completely -- but which are no less valid for all that. (In fact, they often know what's what better than the bits you can verbalize do.)

That's what I've always though, too, but I don't know, recently it's just worried me. I mean, the decisions I've made based on those gut instincts haven't steered me wrong yet...it just doesn't seem like the best way to make important choices. ;)

Making choices based solely on gut feeling? Bad idea. Making choices where both the surface evidence and the gut feeling are in favor? Good idea.

Wow..It sounds like you've had a lot on your mind.. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going so well for you though :-\ ::hugs:: If I were you, I would wait to see if the job search pans out, but if not, move back to NYC. It's like you said, you could always come back to Japan another time. Also, it would make your mom happy to have you back in NYC (and me too!)

I don't know if I'd say that things aren't going well, per se, it's just... oh, I don't know.

We could go to Guitar Hero night. It'd rock. :)

No advice to give that hasn't already been said, but my sympathies, especially regarding your mother's health.

Thanks. She's been having one problem after another for like 4 years now. None of it is the sort of thing could kill her, but all of it lowers her standard of living and makes her unhappy, which makes me unhappy, cause she's great and doesn't deserve that sort of thing. :(

Sounds like you've gotten yourself into an interesting situation out there babe *huggles*. My torrid bias notwithstanding, I know how much you really do like it out there, but it you feel like you're going to be depressed because you're lonely or whatever, the amount you actually like the town will only progressively drop lower over time. It may drop to a point where you're disgusted with the place, and just want to get out, and I don't think that's where you'd want to find yourself.

I heard about the Nova issue at work, and it's having a bigger effect on the Japanese labor market than even I had anticipated, so I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you your chances of getting an english-teaching gig are even remotely easy out there. On a side note though, that "cultural studies" visa is something you might want to pursue. You think maybe Bing might be willing to sponsor you? If you're on any sorta terms with the Japanese department out there still (i.e.: if Sode or Oda-sensei might recognize you after so long :P), they might lead you along a path to get such a visa. Which would allow you to stay, and find a job that wasn't related to teaching.

It sounds to me like you need to go to more bars ;). All fear the terrible injoke. booyah.

I think the chances of you getting your name on that lease are low as hell though, fyi, so moving back in with mom (as much as I <3 her) seems like a bad idea to me, especially if you think your relationship with her would deteriorate that badly that quickly. You could come back and move in with me :P. I think I'm going to eventually need a roommate (or a bigger salary...), so if you don't mind dealing with me all the time, think about it :P

Lemme tell ya though, if you think you can handle staying out there until Spring, you won't be disappointed by the most fun you'll ever have in two weeks with my punk ass :P. Good luck babe :)
-- Gerardo

I figure people who wish to come visit me can always come some other time - I'll definitely be coming back here. I'm a little surprised to learn that you've heard about Nova even over in your neighborhood - what, is it causing people to flood the financial market with applications, too? Anyway, when I applied to jobs, I got some idea how much competition I'm dealing with - several hundred applicants per position - and so I truly have low expectations.

And I'm telling you I'll go to bars, I just won't drink at them. :)

I also think the chances of name on the lease are poor. I find it likely we'll hire a lawyer, he'll come in, hear our situation, laugh for 10 minutes, and then I'll start hunting for an apartment. :) At worst, though, I can camp out at home while I look for something else.

We'll definitely still try to find a way to do "the most fun I'll ever have in two weeks" - but that's a grandiose claim, I'm gonna hold you to it. ;)

Hey Claire!

I've been keeping up with your blog fairly regularly, and it's great to hear you like Japan so much...and Anitta and I both think your new hairstyle is very cute on you ;)

As a fellow binder, I thought I could put in my two cents. I think CBA in NY would be a great choice. I'm kind of in the same situation you are...I love my job at the paper lab, all my friends are in B-town, and Hil's family is close by (and her dad's been really sick with cancer, so being close is important)...so I don't really want to leave for Boston just yet. NBSS will always be there, and in the meantime there's so many great study opportunities. My plan now is to stay at the lab for at least a few years and do 1-2 intensive workshops per year. Also, the Canadian version of GBW (I'll have to get back to you on the exact name) has a series of self study courses that look really great. Plus, if you work at a library, you'll get to play with all their fun toys (we just got a Scharf-fix at the lab!!!!!).

Good luck w/ everything! Oh, and I'll have to send you pictures of the book I entered in a Vonnegut themed book arts show in Indy! :)

I forgot to say that "anonymous" is Lillie :)

I figured. :) Glad to hear that you guys dig my hair cut - I recently wrote to Garry and have been told that if I want to come visit when I'm next in Bloomington, I'd be more than welcome, so expect to see me in December when I'm in town. I'm glad you think good things about CBA, too - I just poked around their webpage, and it looks REALLY nice, with lots of good workshops and guest speakers and stuff.

I'm sorry to hear about Hil's dad. Best wishes for a recovery! :( At the rate we're going, we'll end up at NBSS at the same time. That'd be awesome! :) And definitely send me a pic - my e-mail is unforth@yahoo.com - I hope it does well. :)

Follow your gut. Sleep on it for a few nights. But in the end follow what your gut is telling you.

I love you and can't wait to see you.

I miss hanging out with guys. I keep watching anime here and thinking how much you guys would like or hate it. :( And I miss X-Files! I await the promised marathon eagerly. ;) I almost bought a season of it I found on sale here, and it's all cause of you. ;)

OH! And because I've forgotten to mention, I did in fact send a package of stuff your way - it's all the X-mas gifts I picked up in China. It'll probably arrive in December, from what they told me.

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Greetings from the IU Pres Lab!!!

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