Babbling Fangirl, Ahoy!

[unforth]

Today was sort of a wash. I had only a little I should have gotten done, and I managed to accomplish almost none of it, but for all that (and despite the Mets rather pathetic loss) I don't care much. I just want to talk a little bit about fandom, because I just spent the last hour or so literally talking to my computer monitor as the last two episodes of season 4 of Supernatural went by, and that really got me thinking about what it means to get really, really into something. And then? Then I'm gonna do an incredibly spoiler-filled rant about the fourth season of Supernatural. Sorry, I can't help it. :)

I get obsessed with things. I have an addicts personality, and always have. Fortunately, I figured this out when I was pretty young - in middle school - and had it proven my freshman year of high school, and as a result I have been able to avoid any of the truly dangerous things out there. There's a very solid reason that I'm careful not to drink, or try drugs, or gamble. It's not because I don't think I would like these things. No, it's because I know that after I got past the initial hitches, I'd like them far too much. My limited experience with gambling has been proof enough of that. After last time, which was in February, and I lost $20 bucks in less than 10 minutes, and shit did I want to keep going, I knew that I wouldn't be doing that any more, either. However, what I've allowed myself instead (not intentionally, honestly, I doubt I could help it) is obsession with media.

The first that I remember was the Beatles. I was in 6th grade, and I LOVED their music. I used to watch Help and Hard Day's Night every day. For most of a year. I did the same thing with Star Wars the following year, and all the while I would re-read the same short list of books (Robert Jordan, David Eddings, Piers Anthony, Terry Brooks) over and over and over again. In 8th grade and my freshman year of high school, it was a tie, between Star Trek TNG and Babylon 5, though on reflection B5 probably won that battle. I was so nuts about that show - though TNG got the money spent on it, as I avidly collected some silly card game. My freshman year of high school, there was also Federation, an online text based game that I played for more hours than are worth recounting. It's funny, over the last few days reflecting on this, hardly any of these obsessions have come to mind, but now that I'm concentrating, I seem to think of a lot I wouldn't have remembered.

Fushigi Yuugi comes to mind. Senior year of high school. I still remember some of the rants that I wrote about Nuriko on the web page I was maintaining at the time. I watched the first half of the series and then didn't have access to the second half for weeks; when I finally got it from a friend, I stayed up all night on a Monday, a school night, and watched the whole thing. I cried for 6 hours straight, which isn't worth explaining - if you've seen the series, you probably know why, and if you haven't, there's no way I could explain, especially since now that I'm not a 17 year old girl I doubt it would have the same effect on me. When I got to school the next morning, ultimabaka asked me who had died (I won't repeat what I answered, because it's a major spoiler. ;) )

I remember being 12 years old and humming "Crazy" to myself. "I'm crazy, for thinking that my love could hold you...I'm crazy for trying, and I'm crazy for cryin', and I'm crazy for loving you..." and after doing this for most of a day it occurred to me that the person who I was thinking of as I sang this song to myself was Rand al'Thor. I remember asking my mom what it was like to have a crush. That crazy, psychopathic, probably going to end the world, fictional idiot was my first real crush.

Really, looking back, I can think of a lot from when I was younger. I remember thinking at the time that they didn't last a very long time, but now that I think about it, I think that they lasted a lot longer than the ones I've gotten since I got older. I was nuts about B5 for three years (though it peaked right around the end of season 3). I was caught up by Wheel of Time for years, and then would lose interest, only to get whipped into a frenzy each time a new book came out. I started the series at 11, but the most memorable obsession moment was definitely 11th grade. I had a friend, Stephen, who I only knew because he'd been sitting behind me in class reading WoT. We'd talked about it tons, and he came into school with the new book coming out that day - he and I already had plans for after school, because Robert Jordan was going to be visiting and signing at the Union Square Barnes and Noble on release day, but he already had his copy - he'd gone out during lunch - and so during my lunch period I followed suit. I was a diligent student, and I didn't give a crap that I missed the first half of 6th period, even though it was Mr. Lapolla, my favorite teacher. I picked that book up just after noon, and read it until 6 AM the next morning.

Since I left high school, I've definitely had fewer of these experiences. Thinking now - and for the past few days - I've only been able to come up with two that really reached the full level of "oh my god I'd do anything and skip any responsibility just to find out what happens next." No more looking up spoilers for the season finale of season 3 of Babylon 5. No more sneaking out to be the first to get the book. No more staying up all night. At least, not usually. I wrote the above just to buy time to see if I could think of anything else I went this ballastic over - and I guess it was worth it, cause I did think of one.

Two of the three are games. Andy's Vampire game was like a drug for the first few months, and none of us could get enough. And Changeling, well, nuff said about that. I'd venture that perhaps the BHSS game also managed to cross that line, though it was short lived.

The other, of course, was Harry Potter. I was actually a very late comer to the Harry Potter party. I read the first book mere days before the first movie came out. I started the second book after, but didn't get into it - and didn't end up finishing it until after I'd seen the second movie. It was the third book that did the trick, but even then I didn't read the fourth book until mid-2004. It was during my semester of hell, and it was hard to find the time. It culminated with when I read the fifth book. It was a Saturday night in early December, the weekend before finals week. I was finally in the home stretch. The week before had been incredible; I'd written two 20 page papers, and worked more than 20 hours at the bookstore, and gone to class; I still had another paper and a final exam left, and then I'd be done, done with college. I remember how fricken exhausted I was, too. But it was Saturday, and I was supposed to be playing Black Ops, and I wanted to. But I'd started reading HP5, and I just couldn't put it down. I sat in my living room with the game going on around me and instead of participating I just read until I finished that book, and then I collapsed in exhaustion (and, if memory serves, worked an 8 hour shift the next day). For me, that's the hallmark of the real obsession: when I do things that harm myself physically and psychologically, just for the next dose.

The books and the TV shows have always been the hardest, and of the longest duration, because of the time involved. Sure, the passion comes and goes, but it can come back with shocking strength, not if I reread them - once the initial dose wears off, the love remains but not the insanity - but for the next volume. Even after 15 years, when the next Wheel of Time book comes out, I'll buy it on the first day. Sure, I've gotten to the point that I won't read it until all of them are out, I just can't take it any more, but I still need to have it.

Yet, in a sick way, I know that I look to go through these feelings again. There's something so invigorating about connecting so absolutely with a character or characters. For me, it's almost always one and, thinking, I'm prepared to tentatively suggest that they've all been male. Certainly, when the item in question has been a work of fiction that's the case - it works differently when it's a video game or a role playing game or music. I mean, no number of times I listen to "Calling All Skeletons," no matter how awesome a song I think it is, is going to push me over that line. Rand al'Thor. Sirius Black. Julian Bashir. Marcus. Nuriko. Xellos. Dean Winchester. The Baker. Data. Silk. They have things in common; they have major differences. When I was in middle school, I looked to these people as surrogate friends (the ones I knew about at that point, any way. ;) - I already wrote a bit about this the other week in my post about David Eddings). Certainly, I no longer need fictional characters to serve as my surrogate friends, I'm pretty happy with my existing group of friends, but that means they must serve some other purpose. For even the ones that have passed, never really go away. If I watch Season 3 of B5 my heart still flutters for Marcus; and Rand al'Thor, tragically, is almost always a shadow lurking somewhere in my mind, ready to pop out and shock me with how strangely disturbingly awesome I've inexplicably always thought he was. It troubles me, worries me, certainly causes me loads of trouble, but some part of me always secretly craves this feeling, and I know that some part of me reaches out to new media in the hopes of finding it - but these days, almost never does.

But the worst part, the absolutely worst part, is the waiting.

I HATE the waiting. Every single fucking time I've had to wait to know, to learn what happened, I've vowed: never again. The suspense of not knowing the fate of characters - of people - that you care about so much is exhausting. In the very long term, it's also very distancing, as I've had cause to learn. But in the shorter term, it's just something that eats at you.
Babylon 5 - 3 years.
Harry Potter - 3 years.
Star Trek DS9 - 5 years.
Wheel of Time - 15 fucking years. And counting. This has been the most trying, because of Rand, because I know of no fictional character who has meant as much to me, and I'm going to be 30 before I finally learn his fate. And when I think about that? It makes me want to cry.
There are others. And I always say to myself, that the part where you wait for the next hit, that's the worst fricken aspect of it.

I've been many kinds of fan. I've been a passive fan, a babbling fan, a blogging fan. I've obsessed on message boards, written fan fiction, and administrated a sizeable and fairly heavily used web page. I've pulled all nighters, I've connected with complete strangers, I've attended conventions and spent a fortune on merchandise. I've taped and catalogued episodes. I've watched and read favorites dozens of times - at least a couple probably over a hundred, though I never kept count. And in the end, I don't know if I think it does me more harm than good, for today, on a day when I did have things to do, when I've been stressed out enough about all the house stuff that I haven't been sleeping well (that's a recurring theme in my obsessions, I just realized...sleep depravation definitely enhances the effect...hmm...), when not getting done the minimal amount left me feeling guilty and unhappy...still, all I really wanted to do was to watch Supernatural. I'm not even sure how many episodes I watched today; they've blurred with the ones I watched last night, but certainly I've watched at least 10 in the past two days, at least 6 of which were today (but I think it was more than that...).

And so here I am, going through it again, and I have to wait. Again. Spoilers AHOY.







No, I mean it, don't keep looking down the page unless you want massive spoilers for season 4 of Supernatural.








This is your last chance.







Point of no return!

Partly, I wrote all of the above to give my brain some time to calm the fuck down. The initial blows in such things are always the worst. Take, for example, the end of season 1. Now, I watched the second half of season 2 and all of season 3 with moonartemis76 and swan_tower, and they told me what happened in the first season and a half. Yet, earlier this month, when I reached the end of season 1 and the horrible cliff hanger of doom, it didn't matter that I knew what the end result was. I HAD to see that next episode. I had to see how it went down for myself. Which was what prompted me to decide to get the seasons on Amazon.com video library instead of in person. Sure, it was nice to have the DVDs for the first season, but I don't want to keep buying DVDs - I have a bluray player - and the second season wasn't out on Bluray. Meanwhile, it turned out that Season 4 wasn't going to be available on DVD or bluray until September 1st, and I somehow knew that I wouldn't be able to wait that long.

All of which is to say, I know from long experience that the brain needs at least a few minutes to settle down after reading or seeing something that really pushes it over the deep end.

In this instance, I feel particularly strongly about that, because Supernatural is a very oddly constructed show. When I first started watching it, I didn't really get in to it much. I mean, I liked it, but I didn't feel particular attached to it. But even as I watched more and the plots grew more outlandish, still somehow I really liked it, more and more. Indeed, thinking about it, Harry Potter worked sort of the same way - I knew that the writing wasn't perfect, that a lot of the story was cliched, that sometimes the characterization was flawed, or in this case the acting over the top, or the special effects not so great, but once you're hooked? It suddenly doesn't matter so much if the quality is 100%. Sure, once the worst of the obsession wears off, I find I go back and apologize for the things that Rowling does that I'm a little embarrassed that I feel for - and I'm sure I'll end up doing the same with Supernatural - but that's not the point. Once you've bought in, there's no going back, even though by the time the middle of season 4 rolls around it has started to get SO over the top. I don't even care.

I really entitled this post right, by the way - this is definitely borderline stream of conscious babbling. :) But I'm tired, and stressed, and a bit emotionally overwhelmed, and I guess that's what I need to do. I doubt anyone has read this far anyway, so really it's all for my own benefit. ;) :)

So first, I just have to get this shit off my chest, I'm gonna say it loud and say it proud: I have NEVER for one FUCKING SECOND trusted that DEMON SPAWNED BITCH. There was one, one tiny fraction of an instant when Sam was talking about how his summer without Dean had been, when Dean saw her and was vaguely friendly to her, one instant where I doubted and wondered and thought, could the stinking bitch really be anything other than evil? And then I shook my head, and I said to my computer screen (as in, I talked to the TV), don't you dare trust her!! And dammit, it doesn't make me feel one fucking iota better that I was completely stinkin' right.

You gotta understand. Usually, I'm the marks mark. I don't analyze, and I don't consider. I buy in to whatever the story teller wants me to think. I find this to actually be useful most of the time - it makes surprise twists a lot more fun when you basically never see them coming. But in this case? Two season of trying to convince me not to hate her? EPIC FRICKEN FAIL.

Indeed, I was REALLY worried about how cliffhangery the last episode of season 4 would be. But in truth? I'm not that unhappy. Sure, I'm dangling, but it's not like it's Season 1, with the car crash, or even Season 3. I can deal with the imminent threat of the rising of Lucifer much more sanguinely than I could deal with knowing that Dean was in hell and not knowing how he was going to get out. That said, if I didn't know that whore was dead it'd be a whole different story. I'm going to make it through the summer, to the beginning of season 5, because at least I know that she is dead dead dead.

Also, I really like Cass. Man, I'm so glad he came through, because I thought it was really cool. Cute, too. And I thought that, over all, the angel stuff was actually handled pretty well. That said, I think from a narrative stand point there were some problems. Specifically, it's pretty explicit in the series that demons are just evil. Sure, for a long time there was one who seemed not to be - but keep in mind that I never bought that. Thus, the premise becomes, demons are evil because they're demons, it's simply part of their innate nature. It would seem to me, then, that angels should be inherently good, simply because they're angels. I feel like I've gotten my D&D paradigms mixed up: the demons are clearly the epitome of evil, whereas the angels are the epitome of law - no one is the epitome of chaos (if the demons were the epitome of chaos, they'd occasionally do actually good things - true chaos is both good, evil and neutral) and no one is the epitome of good (for the angels taken as a group routinely do things that are, relatively speaking, bad). This is a little frustrating, actually, and if I have on complaint about the series, it would be that this feels like a storytelling failure, a nod to common beliefs on religion that doesn't really do the depth of the story, such as it is, justice.

Of course, if there was a force in the universe that was inherently good, that'd pretty much destroy the premise of the show.

I'm glad that my heart picked Dean. I occasionally have moments, "I <3 Dean" moments, when he does something so awesome that I embarrassingly put my hands in front of me, form a heart, and think to myself, "self, I <3 Dean." And after the last few episodes of season 4? Man, I'm so glad that I fell for Dean and not Sam. Cause sure, I know that somehow, someway, in season 5 Sam will manage to redeem himself and Dean will manage to make a douche of himself...again...but just from the last few episodes? I picked the winner. I mean sure, I spent the entire "swear to heaven" scene saying, "no, don't do it, Dean, you idiot, stop, don't say it..." but when he left the voice mail for Sam? I started to cry. (man, I'm such a wuss, first for doing it, then for admitting it...) And when I heard the voicemail that the angels left for Sam? I started swearing, out loud. I hope none of my neighbors heard, they must think I was out of my mind. And when I was done, I started going, "no, don't do it, no, no, no, no," to such an extent that the dog came over and put her head in my lap and gave me that look that said, "mama, what'd I do wrong? why're you saying no?"

This is the kind of show where I constantly expect things to go from bad to worse to unbelievably worse. Sure, it's hard to make predictions given the way things ended - the lack of dialog at the end, the momentary bonding as they worked together to kill the bitch, the exultant expression on Sam's face, despite his clear regret, as the seal broke...but in a way, I'm really glad that at least thus far my worst prognostication appears to be off the mark. Cause at the rate things were going? I couldn't fathom how we were gonna get out of the season, much less the entire series, without Dean killing Sam. My brain was going all apeshit on the Cane and Abel predictions.

Oh, and I'm so glad that Sam didn't kill Bobby. Cause for a second there? I was about to lose it.

It really is a well constructed show, over all. I like how all of the seasons have been linked and interconnected, yet at the same time they've all offered some degree of resolution and have had their own overarching plot. Sure, in order to get that resolution it's often necessary to watch, say, one or two episodes into the next season, but over all, each can be separated from the previous. I also like how the filler is handled. I normally don't like much filler in my continuing plot, but in truth, I think the series would have self-destructed if it didn't have the filler. I mean, if each episode was filled with the amount of heart wrenching angst that filled the main plot episodes, every minute, every time, the show would be unwatchable - the angst would just build up too much, too fast. Instead, the filler with pithy relevance (like the magician episode and it's "how am I supposed to live now that I've killed my best friend/brother?" message it was still has me convinced that the boys are gonna have to murder each other before the end of the series) gives enough of a distraction to break the emotional drain, while still feeding enough into the plot to maintain interest. And most of the individual episodes are well built, which helps. Sure, Bugs is just god awful, and if I'm to believe "The Monster at the End of This Book," I guess people thought the ghost ship episode was pretty terrible, too - I guess I can see that, I like pirates though - but, for me, the only episode that has really stood out and left me going, really? Are you serious? was Bugs.

Oh, and random aside? I LOVED the inclusion of the Ghostfacers in the It's a Terrible Life episode.

Yeah, that's right, that reminds me: another of the things that really makes this show work for me? It is fricken laugh out loud funny. I mean, when Sam and Dean walked into the comic book store and the dude thought they were LARPers? I was absolutely dying. Now there's a show that knows its audience far, far too well (especially after the fricken Bloomington, IN, reference. I've never felt so much like a show was talking directly to me...). But beyond that, there are multiple times when I would just bust a gut. I think it's a definite factor in why I like Dean better - he makes me laugh way, way more. (I've queued up the line on Bloomington, just to be sure I heard it right. I mean, did he really say that??? Shit, it really, really does say that. I'm not gonna get over that for a long, long time.) My other winning line, by the way? The one about Dean's nipples. Now I gotta track it down...I think it's early in the second episode of the season...or wait, maybe it was in the first episode...bah, looking through the episodes is gonna take too long. It is the first episode. I mean, everything is super tense, and Dean's back from hell and no one knows why, and weird shit seems to be following him, and yet there are still totally awesome moments. Like Bobby splashing him in the face with holy water. Oh, right, here it is:
Demon Bitch: "Dean. To hell and back. Aren't you a lucky duck."
Dean: "That's me."
Demon Bitch: "So you get to just stroll out of the pit, huh. Tell me, what makes you so special?"
Dean: "I like to think it's because of my perky nipples."
Just...fricken hilarious.

Oh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I think it's just that when you see something that really hits the omg spot, you've got to get some of it out of your head or else you'll just explode, and I was at the exploding point. And the result is this utterly inane, silly post. :)

There are worse prices to pay...
Right. I have to go to bed. I can't believe I spent so much time on such a silly exercise, but it was kind of fun. :)

Comments

[moonandserpent.livejournal.com]

I get the distinct feeling that the Demons are Evile hypothesis will be tested soundly if not overthrown in the upcoming (final) season.

And yeah, I love Dean a great deal. He's funny, he's got his own brand of intelligence, and he's pretty. Though his occasional Hassleholf resemblance spooks me.

[galiyah.livejournal.com]

Ok, I've never seen this show but I think I must look it up. Oh, and I can't express how mad I get when I think about the Wheel of Time series. All the waiting. And he kept introducing new characters and made us wait even longer before anything happened. I've read that someone is supposed to be finishing the last book from his notes but I'm skeptical. How the heck could he wrap everything up in one book at this point? *grumble*