"Weasel words." That's the term you're looking for. Every writer has their own set, and you gotta hunt 'em down and rip 95% of them out. They do nothing but, as you say, vague up a sentence and take away from its impact. And you only really want to do that about 5% of the time that your brain tries to do it. (My theory is that this has to do with the spontaneous nature of composition; they're the "ums" of typing, the thing your brain spits out to buy time while it's figuring out later parts of the sentence.)
"Though" -- <has an epileptic fit> I've recently begun to notice my penchant for compound sentences, the second half of which contrasts with the first half, or else simple sentences contrasting with what came before. Result? "But" showing up THREE TIMES A PARAGRAPH. I restructure it to use "though" or "however" or "yet" or "still" where I can, or just to stop with that structure altogether, but (!) it's driving me batshit right now.
The willpower thing -- have you considered showing her experiencing the beginning of fear, and then having it turn off like a switch? You don't have to hit the reader over the head with the effect, but it could help them have a sense that something is happening. And Marie (okay, typing that is weird) wouldn't necessarily realize anything is going on, because for all she knows, that's just what it feels like when anybody decides to be brave.
The attachment to How It Went In The Game is the tough part of any adaptation, I think. And yeah, it's hard to be sure, sometimes, which bits serve the purpose of this telling -- with the added difficulty in your case of not wanting to offend anybody. Distance, I think, is the best weapon in that fight, because it gives you perspective. You're already pretty distant from the game, after that many years, but it will also help to take some time off after you finish this revision, to get a bit of perspective on the book itself.
(Speaking from experience -- it is nothing short of amazing, what you realize you can cut or do in 1/10 the wordage, with the distance of a few years and a few other novels . . . .)
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2009-08-29 06:48 pm (UTC)"Though" -- <has an epileptic fit> I've recently begun to notice my penchant for compound sentences, the second half of which contrasts with the first half, or else simple sentences contrasting with what came before. Result? "But" showing up THREE TIMES A PARAGRAPH. I restructure it to use "though" or "however" or "yet" or "still" where I can, or just to stop with that structure altogether, but (!) it's driving me batshit right now.
The willpower thing -- have you considered showing her experiencing the beginning of fear, and then having it turn off like a switch? You don't have to hit the reader over the head with the effect, but it could help them have a sense that something is happening. And Marie (okay, typing that is weird) wouldn't necessarily realize anything is going on, because for all she knows, that's just what it feels like when anybody decides to be brave.
The attachment to How It Went In The Game is the tough part of any adaptation, I think. And yeah, it's hard to be sure, sometimes, which bits serve the purpose of this telling -- with the added difficulty in your case of not wanting to offend anybody. Distance, I think, is the best weapon in that fight, because it gives you perspective. You're already pretty distant from the game, after that many years, but it will also help to take some time off after you finish this revision, to get a bit of perspective on the book itself.
(Speaking from experience -- it is nothing short of amazing, what you realize you can cut or do in 1/10 the wordage, with the distance of a few years and a few other novels . . . .)