unforth | Cause it's safer if it's typed...

Dear Dino,

I don't even know how to begin to write this letter to you. With others - I've wrriten many others at this point - I could show something of a happy smiling face. I could go on about my hopes for the future, my thanks for their many efforts on my behalf, my apologies and condolences for various incidents. With you, though, no such pleasant words present themselves. I cannot hide from you my feelings, my true feelings as I write this, the last of these letters I am composing.

I wrote once before, on the eve before the final SMART mission - when last I faced such an uncertain fate, that nothing is more difficult for me than trying to imagine that I may never see you again. But at least then I knew you were safe. Now, as I try to think, pre-emptively, how to say goodbye, a blind terror rises in me that tomorrow, either one of us may be the one to fall. No matter what words I write, you may not ever see them. It horrifies me to think on it, and to consider that somewhere in Willowgrove you might be writing a letter similar to this one, addressed to me. I know how selfish I'm being, I know that if you are reading this at all then I am gone, that my reflections and fears are empty and irrelevent given the changes and events of the day, but I cannot help it. Love, they say, brings out the best in people; sometimes I think it brings out the worst in me. In regards to you, I can be selfish, vindictive, and arguementative. No other brings this out in me. My temper rises - I didn't even realize I had a temper! - whenever I hear someone speak against you. I would destroy the world with my own two hands to save you, my love, I truly would. And so I know how selfish, how hypocritical, how incredibly unfair it is that I ask you, implore you, and beg you: DO NOT DO THE SAME FOR ME. I do not think I have ever been so selfish as I am being right now. But it must be this way, don't you see? The world means so much more than just my life. And yet even as I try to think of arguments to convince you, I know that it is pointless, for I can think of no argument that could persuade me were our positions reversed. I can only ask you to please obey my wishes in this regard.

I promise you that I have no intention of doing anything foolish or unnecessarily dangerous, unless, you must understand, if you are the one in danger. I cannot be ignorant of the danger I will be in, but I will not be taking ridiculous chances; the thought that I might never see you again weighs too heavily on my mind to allow that. I'm scared. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, that no matter how much I do it will not be enough, that I'll be too late, that I won't coordinate us effectively. I'm afraid for Muses, that the warriors will not be strong enough, that the ritual will fail. I'm afraid of the price we as a city may have to pay to protect the world, and a little shocked that I do believe that that price is worth paying. I'm terrified that I might have to choose between what I think is best for Muses (and the world!) and you. I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably choose you. And I'm terrified that something will happen to you and that I'll have no ability to save you. I'm terrified of what I might do if that happens.

I can't even begin to guess what you are thinking as you read this. I hope more than anything you never do. I'm so sorry, so unbelievable sorry, that my thoughts and troubles at this moment fall to you to read in this letter, and yet I can't bring myself to stop, to rip it up and write a nicer one, to smile and pretend everything was ok. Maybe it's because I know how angry you'd be with me if you knew I was even considering it. It's not that it's artifical - all of that is a part of who I am, truly it is - but only to you do I show these darker thoughts. And so I decide to keep writing, decide that if all this is what comes out of my pen, then it's what I need to say to you, and no one else, my thoughts and feelings and jumbled senses as I consider how to say goodbye to you.

I hope the battle goes well and everyone is all right. I hope the price is one that we can pay. I hope we can all get along and cooperate. I hope that you are whole and unhurt. I hope the next morning dawns bright and beautiful and clear, that the new dawn shines down with renewed glory on a city that yet stands, on the faces of the people that I love, the city that has always been my home. I hope it dazzles your eyes, my true love; I hope you can live without me. I don't think I could live without you.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. When I spoke to you, asked you, told you that I would have to go alone through the battle, I was so relieved when you agreed, and yet a part of me hoped you would disagree, would argue, would stay by my side. Isn't that silly? At least if you are reading this, it means you are safe; it means I was right to tell you to stay in safety, that my path was too dangerous.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Know, please, how very happy you have made me. My brilliant, kind, generous, talented, handsome, courageous, darling, beloved Dino. I love you, more than words can say, I do not have the poetry within me to express this, I just cannot. I love you. and I know, somehow, that I will see you again. So please, do not give up hope. Do not give up on the world. Do not give up on yourself. I will see you again. I will wait for you forever.

I feel like I've said far too much. I feel like no amount I write will ever be enough. I don't know how to say goodbye to you.

I love you,
Kathryn

In the early afternoon following the battle, the grogans deliver the
following message from Dino.

"Fae of Muses,

"I have composed and recomposed this message in my head dozens of times since I awoke this morning, and I realize now that there is nothing that I can say that will help to ease the pain that we feel. I realize this because I have shed more tears in the last day than I ever thought to shed in my entire life, and I know that, while those tears have stopped for now, they will come again. ...and again. ...and again.

"I lost two yesterday for whom I would have died gladly. For one, I would have -- and did -- go to the very ends of the Earth. To the other, I ... I gave my heart."

The grogan pauses for a moment, staring at the ground, before continuing.

"Three years ago, had you asked me what I thought my life would be like today, there is no way I would have thought to be who and what I am today. There is no way I would have thought I would have met those I have met. That I would have done what I have done. That I would have ... that I would have loved those I have loved. Three years ago, I had loved only two people in my life -- my parents -- and befriended only one other -- whom I had known all my life. I came to Muses because I thought to find a place to rest for a time before heading elsewhere. I did not think to find a home here for myself. ...but I did.

"It is a rare day that I am comfortable around others. It is a rare person I can talk to without second-guessing myself; there have only been three in this world: Kaye Arden, Bill Lonnen, ... and Kathryn McCullin. Each of these three have shown me, in their own way, how to live without fear, how to build communities. How to love.

"Willowgrove's doors have always stood open to those who needed a home. They still stand open, because Kaye would want it to be so. I have, at her request, taken up the Hearthstone. So long as you do not do violence on the grounds of Willowgrove and you are willing to count yourself amongst the fair folk of Muses, you will not be turned away. ...and I shall do this in her memory for so long as Willowgrove stands and so long as I live."

The grogan pauses again before continuing.

"Kathryn wrote me a letter before the battle that was delivered when ... that reminded me what her Dream w... what her Dream *is*. I'll read a part of that letter to you now:

"'I hope the battle goes well and everyone is all right. I hope the price is one that we can pay. I hope we can all get along and cooperate. I hope that you are whole and unhurt. I hope the next morning dawns bright and beautiful and clear, that the new dawn shines down with renewed glory on a city that yet stands, on the faces of the people that I love, the city that has always been my home. I hope it dazzles your eyes, my ....'"
The grogan stops again, scrunches up its face, and continues, "'my love; I hope you can live without me.'"

"I ... I don't know if I can live without her. Every time I stand before a forge, I will be reminded that she does not stand next to me. ...but I will try, for her sake. For Kathryn's sake ... I will try to live."

The grogan is visibly holding back tears at this point.

"I know, however, that she was right. We may have not won the battle; everyone is not all right; the price is not one I ever thought I could pay; we may not all have gotten along. ...but I yet live. The morning is bright and beautiful and clear, and a dawn shines down upon this city that yet stands -- this city that is my home. I need but look to the sky to see what love and hope is. Bright Hope, which was my dream of what Muses could be, came to us in our darkest hour and reminded me of what I had nearly forgotten.

"I look out upon the world and see it in all its flawed, failing glory. I would save it if I can, though I know I cannot do it by myself. God knows I can't do it by myself. ...but for Kaye and for Kathryn, I will do everything in my power to save this world that we live in. This world that I love. This world that ... that they loved. I will not give up the fight until it is well and truly won or my life is taken from me. You have my word.

"As to Kaye and Kathryn: their debts are mine, their friends are mine, their city is mine.

"I am Dinocrates Saccas. I yet live. I yet love. I yet hope."

The grogan flies away, weeping openly.

Probably around about the point at which Kathryn was dying, she would have felt Dino's presence in her mind unfold like something of a flower. Time seems to stop, and she finds herself in front of the Willow, with Dino sitting across from her. His image reacts to her only in as much as he will stop and smile when she speaks, but he will then shake his head softly and continue with a sad smile.

He reaches out a hand and touches hers. "Kathryn. If you are ... experiencing this, then you truly believe that I am dead."

He pauses a moment, looks thoughtful, and says, "Well, either that, or I fucked something up. If so, you should check the bird," he points to her shoulder. "I ... um ... well, I've never done this before, so...."

He shrugs, smiles sadly, and continues. "I don't know what to say, really. I had really hoped that I'd live until the end of the world. Or outlive you. Or ... something. Not ... have to tell you this." He sighs.

"God damn it. This is hard." He puts his face in his hands for a moment, sighs again, and then looks directly at her again.

"Kathryn: know this. Kaye was my friend. A good friend. She was there for me first, but that does not mean that she was any more important than you. I ... I don't think it would be possible for there to be anyone more important than you.

"Since I realized I loved you, my life has revolved around you. Every time I woke in the morning, I looked over to see if you had woken up and gone to the forge yet. Every time I thought up some new idea, my first thought was to try to talk it through with you. Every time I realized I could teach you something, my stomach did a little cartwheel as I tried to figure out the best way to explain it.

"...and every time I stopped to ask myself why I was working to save the world -- to figure out why it was worth the danger I kept putting others and myself in -- I just had to think of you.

"You are my love. You have become the center of my universe. Meeting and falling in love with you is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Greater than bringing the School to life. Greater than Bright Hope. Greater than finding the Grail. Greater than the Edge. We forged an 'us' together, and that has kept me in a state of perpetual astonishment ever since."

He pauses and says, "Live on for me, if you can. Carry me in your heart, but above all things, live. I will not be truly gone, so long as I know that you take joy in life, care for others, and continue to be the amazing creature you are, so full of life, love, and hope.

"Some day, we will see each other on the other side. Some day, we will know joy together once more in the home that the Creator has prepared for us. We are torn asunder now, but I will find you again some day, once the shadow of death passes over you. I will never forget you, Kathryn McCullin. I never could. Not in life, and certainly not in death.

"Keep your head about you. You trust too easily, but to ask you to not trust so would be to ask you to kill a part of yourself. Just be careful. Love the world, and everything in it. Remember joy and hope. ...and remember that I love you more than I could possibly express."

At that moment, Dino leans forward and kisses her full on the lips, and ith that kiss, she feels his love wash over her and through her, enfolding her like a blanket about her soul. ...and then, the vision ends, though she knows she could conjure it again in her dreams....

Cause it's safer if it's typed...

no subject