Bringing the Pieces Together

[unforth]

Today has been a very strange day. It probably has something to do with being on a vacation - a true, real, relax and don't worry about things vacation. Suddenly, a bunch of things are starting to seem within reach that up to now had been on my mind but somehow had been too much effort to explore and implement. I guess it technically started yesterday, when I had an idea for a story - a very rare occurrence for me, and I carefully hoard what ideas I had. This one is for a Regency, Jane Austen-style romance. Pretty vanilla stuff, but fun to research and fun to write. Then, earlier today, I had another idea for a story. I usually get about one idea a year (and I've not been writing hardly at all of late anyway) and now I've had two in two days - the second for a series of mysteries set in the Civil War. Sure, it stands to reason that these the areas where my thoughts would tend - I recently went on a Jane Austen kick and reread some of her stuff, and all of my other leisure reading recently has been....books about the Civil War, and mysteries. Shocking. But still - they're definitely real, solid ideas - kernels of characters waiting for me to set them loose in a world, which is typically how my ideas come (I don't generally think of plots, I think of people).

From there, I finally found the energy this evening to do some research on the interweb about three things that have been on my mind: drum lessons, photography classes, and joining a synagogue. And what I found was...the information is out there, the options are within reach, and all it takes is me putting in the time to learn about them. Whether I have the money for the first two is one question; whether the third is something I really, really want to do is another question. As for money, I'm inclined to think that if those are things I'd like to do, they are well within reach. To the other question, I'm far less certain. My relationship with Judaism as an organized religion has always been tenuous at best. On the one hand, I've been in a couple of synagogues in the past year and have found the experience rejuvenating, pleasant, and alluring. How that speaks to my own desire to try to forge myself a place in a community by similar means, that I'm less sure of. But I did some research anyway, and it ends up that there's a very promising looking synagogue which is a ten minute walk from my apartment. It's Reform, it has a young rabbi (always a good sign, imo) and it seems to have an active membership and relatively forward thinking classes and such. It would be a way for me to meet people in my neighborhood, build some relationships, get involved - especially in community service type stuff, which is always a component of synagogues, but it will force me to confront the simple fact that I don't believe in organized religion as such. Now, believe it or not, I don't think that that fact means I shouldn't do this. I'm very drawn to my heritage precisely because it's my heritage. I'm just not sure if the way for me to explore that is to join a synagogue. At the moment, though, I'm leaning towards just jumping in and seeing how I like it. I can always leave if it's not the place for me, and either join another synagogue or move on and consider it a lesson learned.

Then, after I did all that research, I wandered over to Facebook and found that a friend had sent me an e-mail inviting me to join a D&D game. Despite some issues (the game is Jersey...) I'm strongly leaning towards doing it, and wrote back to that effect.

The net result is that it feels oddly like, out of the blue, some new life is coming together, that something is changing. I'm not quite sure what, but maybe like I'm finally managing to put together some kind of life for myself in NYC. For whatever reason, I've been very reticent to do this beyond the surface level and, for the most part, I haven't really been unhappy, either. A little lonely perhaps, but nothing more. Yet I've also felt rather incomplete. There were things in my life that I wanted, that I didn't - and don't - have, and I knew, kinda, what I had to do to get them, yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. Somewhat, what I was able to do in Japan - take a chance, meet some people, find a game - had proved too intimidating, daunting, overwhelming, unnecessary, or something, for me to attempt to do in NYC. In recent months, that's extended in to other areas - particularly writing, where, despite getting 120k in to a book between April and September, I've just not been able to find the energy and take another month or two and finish the damn thing, or to work on either of the projects that I've started in the past year. Even as I've continued to do many other things that matter to me, I've managed to erect internal, nigh-insurmountable barriers to doing some of the other things that I've known all along were absolutely necessary for me to become really happy. Whether the things that have come together today are those things, I have no way of knowing from my current vantage point, but I do know that I'll never find out if I don't start moving forward, but this bitchy inertia has been really hampering me.

But that it's all coming together in one 24 hour period is very, very odd - but rather liberating. I'm very daunted by how much work I have to do when I get home, and I know that adding new things to my schedule is probably the worst possible option, but even so, I feel like just maybe I've got a little momentum just now. I wonder how long it will last?

Well, that didn't come together in quite the way I expected it to, but I suppose for all that it accurately reflects things at the moment. I just feel...kind of odd. Ambivalent. Daunted. Determined. Very strange.

I'll write about the trip some other time. I'm having a great time, though! PR is beautiful. Postcards went out this morning... :)

Comments

[ozziel.livejournal.com]

All glory to the Hypnotoad!

[unforth.livejournal.com]

I can watch the Hypnotoad's show for hours, like the one where the toad was there, and stuff happened...and things...well, I'm sure you know the one I mean... ;)

[schenker28.livejournal.com]

I just read part of that book "Getting Things Done" and it helped me feel a lot better about some long-term projects. Also, it mentioned that when some busy people take the time to get rid of their day-to-day worries and pressures, they often have big breakthroughs on how to make progress in various projects... you being on vacation and having breakthroughs made me think of this.

I'm happy for you to be finally getting settled! I hope you enjoy some of the new stuff. Weird though -- 2 days ago one of my old friends said she was enjoying the Episcopal church.... she also hates organized religion and is agnostic, but really likes going to the church. You both surprised me!

[unforth.livejournal.com]

It really says that about busy people? Wow, I'm fulfilling expectations, spiffy! Cause today, I feel all liberated and good about life - despite the lousy weather. ;)

I've had a number of family and friends have experiences like this with religion - my uncle, for one, who has become very religious, and my dad and his wife, who now to go church every week (and dad more, because he's the treasurer); my friend JD and his wife, too, they joined a Unitarian Church and are very happy (and she's Jewish!). It's become increasingly clear to me that it has less to do with belief in a specific thing than in a general sense of faith (which I have), an interest in spirituality (which I have) and an inclination to form a community with like-minded individuals (which is what I'm not as sure I have). I mean, just cause I'm agnostic doesn't mean that I don't believe in things (as you know, I believe in ghosts, for example) - I just don't believe in the unexplainable, I don't really think there's a god, and I also acknowledge the underlying irrationality in some of my own beliefs. :)

[skygawker.livejournal.com]

That's funny that you should mention that now because I've been thinking something similar about joining a church when I get home. I don't like the certainty of certain organized religious-type beliefs, and it's really important to me that a spiritual community would have room for someone in there who doesn't just go along with ritual because it's ritual. That has driven me away in the past and will in the future, I'm sure. But, I also think I would gain something from being in a community that values spirituality and actively makes it a part of their lives. Hmm.

And then unrelatedly, I've also been reading about Judaism lately (because it's in the book I'm reading on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict) and it kind of makes me wish I could join a synagogue. I like a lot of things about Judaism. (Though I guess that means one of the things I like about Christianity is that they let any old riffraff join! Which is kind of the opposite of your heritage thing. But then, one's heritage is also valuable.... I sort of wish I were more connected to mine. I wanna go to a country I have ancestors from some day! I've only been to one out of many.)

[unforth.livejournal.com]

Well, if you're reading a book that discusses elements of Judaism, you probably know more than me - I'm a very, very bad Jew. Despite a childhood of weekly Hebrew school, I know just this side of nothing (okay, that's not true, I know how to put on one heck of a Sedar, and how to sit quietly through hours of Rosh Hashannah serivces, and I have primal memories of the words and melodies of many of the songs typically sung at services)...but if it interests you, it's not out of reach. While Orthodox and, to a lesser extent, Conservative Judaism are pretty closed, it's entirely possible to convert to Reform Judaism - my dad did so when he married my mother (though after the divorce he went back to the religion of his birth).

I'd be interested in hearing more about what draws you to church - I've actually thought about church, as well, I've heard positive things about the Unitarians, and I went to a Quaker wedding (and have many Quaker friends) and it's very appealing, also. I think, like me, it would depend on finding the right environment for you - which can be really daunting. It's what worries me most, is trying, and failing, and having to try again and again to find the right place, it sounds exhausting.

[skygawker.livejournal.com]

To be precise, what I'm reading is primarily about the Middle East, but it talks about different forms of Judaism as related to Israeli culture, and that got me curious about what the religion actually states.

I'm interested in hearing what you're thinking along these lines, too. For me, basically, there are two things that draw me to a church: one is that I do see some kind of spirituality in the world, but I'm not sure exactly how to define it. The other is that I would value some kind of community code or moral standard that is a bit tougher than one set by civil/secular society. (I don't think at all that civil society should set that kind of code by law, though. I'm thinking of a sort of higher aspiration that has to be willingly chosen. The stuff I was reading about Judaism might call it being a righteous gentile, which we're not bound to, of course.)

So yeah, I've been reading about what several of the big brand-name spiritual communities have to offer. Where I am right now, I figure, options are a good thing. You don't just have to be what you were raised in, if it doesn't ring true to you. But then, you do also lose the heritage/tradition thing, which does also have some value. I mean, I like going to church on Christmas Eve and having a Christmas tree because that's what my family has always done. But I'm finding looking at what other people out there believe and celebrate and value really useful at this stage. And in that light, it's cool to hear that if Judaism does actually line up well with what I believe in, I could potentially convert. And I want to read more about the Unitarians and Quakers too. The possibility of choosing to join a community is exciting, I think, even if I'm not ready to choose one yet.

So is the most important thing the specifics of what you literally believe? Or can that be vague as long as you're in a community that supports your values and generic spirituality? Or is belonging to the community that gave you your traditions the most important part? Hmmmm.

So yeah, options are both good and also daunting, as you noted. I'm totally with you on the trying and failing and trying again thing. I'd like to find something, but it will surely take lots and lots of effort. Sigh.

[unforth.livejournal.com]

Well, first, you can have a Christmas tree no matter which option you choose. My family has done presents and gotten a tree my entire life. My mom didn't want us to feel left out, and she loves to give people stuff, I think we make a bigger deal of Christmas than many Christians...like I said, we're not very good Jews. ;)

However, joking aside, for people like us, I don't think it can be a matter of literal belief. I've been known to refer to the bible as the greatest fantasy novel ever written. For me, it's a matter of community and spiritual support - because the things that I do believe in, while not logical, are definitely not my religion. The community is really what I'm most interested in, though - a group of people with whom I can engage in activities (secular and religious), in particular, community activism and service, which I'm having trouble getting involved in on my own.

There are some options that would be closed to us - but most of those are religious extremes that wouldn't appeal to us.

So what draws me to synagogue? The peaceful feeling I get when everyone gets quiet in the shul and the rabbi starts to sing. The way everyone supports each other and exchanges greetings and news while they settle in for shabbat. Being a group of people who drawn together from diverse backgrounds, all ages and professions and, to a lesser extent, social class, but who have at least one thing in common. The enforced relaxation time, a couple of hours of the week where I have nothing I have to do except sit on a slightly uncomfortable bench and reflect on what's going on in my head. Someone else organizing events like dinners and community service, which I would be open to participate in.

I think those are the parts that are most important to me.

[skygawker.livejournal.com]

One other thing I felt like sharing: is it weird that most of what I know about Judaism I learned from my Methodist confirmation course? (I never did actually get confirmed, but my mom made me take the class.) We went to a temple and saw a kid training for his bar mitzvah and had the rabbi show us the Torah scrolls, and then on another field trip we went to the local Holocaust Memorial Center. But I can't remember actually learning anything about, you know, Jesus.

I remember remarking at the time, "So, what religion are we getting confirmed into again?"

I guess the Jesus part came in with the retreats and the watered-down powdered lemonade, or something. (Watered-down powdered lemonade will always make me think of church youth groups.)

[bakanekotoo.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'm glad you're having fun on your vacation, and I hope the synagogue and the D&D game work out. We need to meet up sometime when you get back, so I can hear all about your trip :-)

[unforth.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I need to see how things look after the weekend - I've got a crazy month and a half coming up. As, I'm sure, do you!

[galiyah.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you had such a nice vacation. It sounds like it was very beneficial and you definitely deserved it.

I think I understand where you're coming from as far as the religion thing. My own experiences with my family's faith have left me very disappointed but I do sometimes feel the need to belong to something larger than myself. I've considered going to a Unitarian church for a sense of community, but at the present, I haven't enough energy to expend in that regard.

Drum lessons are awesome. I think you'll really enjoy them. You might even look for a drum circle- less professional instruction, usually, but also no cost.

I'm also very interested to see what happens with your story ideas. :)

[unforth.livejournal.com]

The energy thing is the problem I've been having, too. It's just so hard to get started, but I think once I got into the habit, I'd be fine, assuming it was satisfying the other things that I'm hoping it will satisfy - like everything else we try to change in our lives. ;)

Well, I probably won't head to a drum circle, not quite the type of drums I have in mind, I want to learn to be a famous rock star...my interest is entirely and slightly embarrassingly inspired by Rock Band. ;) However, I've known some folks in a drum circle, and it does seem to give them a lot of satisfaction, so maybe I'll look into it after all...hmm...

As for the stories, they're going to be put on a back burner for a long while; I have two other novels I'd really like to finish before I begin anything new, and anyway, they'll both require tons of research. I haven't been writing at all of late, but in the next weeks I'll be writing a bunch of grants, which is going to eat my life and my writing energy - but in April, when the sun comes out and I'm done with the busiest months of my year (hopefully!) I'll brush off Zed, (about a super heroine who is, unfortunately, a spiritual doorway for horrible demons from alternate dimensions, who are thus rather drawn to her) which I'm 120,000 words in to, re-read it, probably rip parts of it apart, and finish it. ;) After that, I'll start to consider what to work on next, though I'd really like to finish Mastermind (which is about a criminal genius who has amnesia) before I start anything else. I do think I'll start paying closer attention to certain things while doing my normal Civil War-ish reading, though, and maybe take some notes...I'm way excited by that idea in particular. ;) It's hard to put off writing a story when it captures your fancy...